Why is it that so many of us become fixed and rooted in a career that does not feed and nourish our souls? A counselor friend of mine once told me that the process of leaving a committed relationship, whether it’s a marriage or a job, takes, on average, five years. When she mentioned this, I was shocked that so many people take such a long time to make a decision to end something that is obviously painful. But of course, people who are wholeheartedly invested find it more difficult to let go of the potential of their dream of how things should be rather than the actual loss of the relationship itself. The pain that comes with ending any committed relationship causes us to experience some of the grief associated with death.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1993), author of the book On Death and Dying, describes the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Others agree that with any loss—whether it be your job, income, freedom, a life, or even a divorce—an individual will go through at least two of these five stages. If we can understand that grief is an inevitable part of being human and recognize these stages of grief a little more clearly, perhaps we can be more gentle with ourselves as we work through the process—in, I hope, much fewer than five years!

Not dealing with our grief in a healthy way is what keeps us paralyzed. When we lose touch with our purpose—when we forget that passion is real and attainable and when we fail to plan—we often quit believing in our own strengths and talents. When that happens, it’s easy to see how people can get stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place and just resign themselves to living in that uncomfortable position.

Let’s look at where over 50 percent of the workforce is right now. According to a survey from Adecco Group North America in a recent CNN Money article, “fifty-four percent of employed Americans plan to look for a new job once the economy rebounds.” The sentiment is even stronger among younger workers. Of those ages eighteen to twenty-nine, 71 percent say they are likely to look for new jobs once the economy turns around. Another recent survey uncovered the following statistics on American job satisfaction when it reported that across America,

• 45 percent of workers say they are either satisfied or extremely satisfied with their jobs
• only 20 percent feel very passionate about their jobs
• 33 percent believe they have reached a dead end in their career
• 21 percent are eager to change careers

Unbelievable! Only 20 percent of workers feel passionate about their jobs. And over half of those surveyed believe they are in a dead-end job or are eager to change careers!

Let’s go back to Ross’s five stages of grief for a moment and discuss how each of those stages might appear in someone dealing with job loss:

1. Denial. This can’t be happening. I can’t be losing my job. They can’t be serious. They can’t run a business this way.
2. Anger. Why me? Who else can I blame? I don’t want to leave. I don’t like what they are doing or how they are doing it!
3. Bargaining. If only such-and-such would occur, then maybe... or if I can just hang on long enough.
4. Depression. I will just disconnect, ignore, and resign myself to the uselessness of the fight.
5. Acceptance. I acknowledge the truth. I understand this way does not work for me. I am beginning to comprehend that there might be other possibilities for me.
   
   Personally, I would like to add another stage to this list:
6. Hope.

Hope arrives after you’ve experienced some, if not all, these steps and realize that there is another path for you—one that is not so rocky and painful. Hope has been living as a tiny seed in you from the beginning and has been begging for your recognition. It was hope that started you down this uncomfortable journey of self-awareness by telling you that something, anything, had to change!

In my twenty-five years as an executive recruiter and career counselor, I have come to believe that this fear of letting go and taking a leap of faith is the main obstacle in our way toward a greater purpose, a greater passion, and a greater plan.

Find your purpose. Simply put, purpose is what adds greater meaning to your life when you attach it to your personal expertise, experience, and talents. (I highly recommend that you read a very small, wonderful book about purpose written in 1899 by Elbert Hubbard called A Message to Garcia.)

Find your passion. Find something you believe in so strongly that you will commit your energy and time to it. What has been whispering in your ear wanting your attention, but you’ve kept putting it off? (If you want to read about passion, pick up Three Cups of Tea by Mortensen and Relin [2006]. Mortensen was bit hard by the passion bug.)

Know what you value. The number one reason relationships fail is because of a difference in values. Get in touch with the purpose behind your values. Reconnect with the passion your values give you. Then create your plan.

Build your plan. What are the things that you feel you must do? Who might benefit from being part of your plan? How can you develop a road map to confidently get there? (For a compelling plan of action, read Harriet Jacobs’s [2000] Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl. Few of us would dare to risk as much as she did to enact her plan.)

There is an old saying that “you cannot read the label when you are sitting inside the jar,” so don’t be afraid to find a friend or two and ask them for their insights about you or to help you research possibilities by which you can utilize your key ingredients: your passion, purpose, and values. Another option is to contact a professional career coach whose specialty is to help you identify your strengths and aptitudes and get you pointed in the right direction.

When we connect hope together with purpose, we create a new plan and start moving energetically forward. Life is an incredible journey filled with many exciting opportunities! Enjoy the ride and the constant surprise of its capacity to give you much more than you could wildly imagine.

References

• Hubbard, Elbert. 1899. A message to Garcia: Being a preachment. Repr. East Aurora, NY: Roycrofters.
• Jacobs, Harriet A. 2000. Incidents in the life of a slave girl. Repr. New York: New American Library.
• Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. 1993. On death and dying. New York: Collier.
• Mortensen, Greg, and David Oliver Relin. 2006. Three cups of tea: One man’s mission to fight terrorism and build nations—one school at a time. New York: Viking.

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Vikki Loving has been an executive recruiter and professional career coach for more than twenty-five years. Her passion is helping individuals overcome fear and discover their hidden talents so they can embrace life and achieve their greatest potential. She lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and daughter.

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